It was a list

It was a list. A list of goals unmet. A list of delays unacknowledged. It was a list of shortcomings compassionately, carefully, gently, laid out. One. By. One.

The doctor made sure we understood. All the assumptions and expectations of age appropriateness. All the things I took for granted in my other children, all the things I never saw until we didn’t see them in her.

Fixations - that's stubbornness, right?
Missing social cues - that's enthusiasm, right?
Eye contact is weird - that's personality, right?

No more.

They lined the reasons up like a tiny row of soldiers armed with tiny guns. They were loaded - there is research, there are behaviors or lack there of, symptoms. Not one was lethal. They were miniature, tiny toy soldiers after all. But with a pop they all fired at once:

Autism. “She’s on the spectrum. We’re sure.”

And suddenly, tiny symptoms became a wound.

I thought of my beautiful little girl. With her love of life and huge smile. She’s not on a spectrum, right? A spectrum of unmet expectations. She’s exceeded mine. I didn’t know if she would come home from the NICU, if she would walk or talk. And here she is, loving, living, embracing.

She’s on the spectrum, and in my heart. Everyone’s heart, that knows her. She brings joy everywhere. Simple, brimming innocence that we crave and lack in this dark world. She prays and simply waits for God to answer her. And He does, every time!

She is on the spectrum…and being on a spectrum does not mean she doesn’t have what matters. Purpose from God. A place in my heart. And everyone’s.

Maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t pick up on our sarcasm and impatience so that she can teach us that it’s not necessary or kind.

Maybe, maybe she was made by His hands to remind me that souls don’t need to be perfect to be loved.

Maybe, just maybe, her list of delays is a list for us to serve her with. And in so doing find ourselves less focused on ourselves and more like the Servant that formed her with His very hands.

Maybe, maybe, autism is a chance for us to lay aside our work and goals, and share in His. No matter how small. Or “insignificant” in our eyes. Because none of it is insignificant.

And praise God, no one is insignificant to Him.