So much blessing

“You need a friend, Rachel. Someone your age.” My aunt candidly told me this during a 2am visit at her kitchen table several years ago. And it was exactly what I needed to hear. 

Mama, do you long for deep friendship? Like a flower for water or a diver for air? Like I did? Every mom I know longs for a friend. How can we ALL be longing and lacking at the same time — for each other? In today’s disconnected world, good friendships are unfortunately rare!  

Can I put forward to you something to pray over? There are a host of reasons for failed friendships, but for me (and maybe you) a big one was fear of vulnerability. Some people share willingly and easily. For me, it was a long, long process of intentionally sharing myself a bit, recovering a bit, then rinse and repeat over and over.

To have deep friends, you have to let them in — deep. And that’s scary. We’ve all been hurt.

But over the past five years, I’ve felt the Spirit knocking. Asking me to let that woman in. And let that other one know my heart. And that woman, bring her close. Not to have all the answers but to ask for help. Then (and maybe this is key for independent people like me) RECEIVE help. 

I may struggle to trust people, but I know I can trust Him. 

So I did. 

And it’s been awkward! But I’ve gained gems of friends in the process. Different people. Some I wholly agree with, most I don’t. Some are creative, whimsical, validating, and genuine. Another is hardworking, practical, and has a dry sense of humor that endlessly surprises me. And yet another brims with optimism even in the hardest times. And another is tender and honest and brilliant about bringing people together. 

They all have their weaknesses. My practical friend tells me she struggles to connect. My creative friend struggles to take up space. My brilliant social planner friend is plagued with the fear that she somehow did it wrong or left someone out. And you’d never know to look at any of them!

But they all — ALL — know my weaknesses too. And still love me. 

They bind up my wounds and listen. They tell me my words are worth writing — and reading! And to keep going. They enrich my life and hold me up in prayer day or night. They held me through this hard year and continue to help me combat Satan’s lies as he comes up with them. 

Like Aaron and Hur holding up Moses’ arms — we need friends. And it’s not just that I found a rare bird. No. I have several dear women like this. And they couldn’t be more diverse. You can make a friend out of anyone that WANTS to be, and so many of us want to be. 

And I needed to be vulnerable. Maybe you do too. 

Share who you really are. Your hopes and dreams and your past. Your struggles with your kids and parenting.

 A good friend will listen to your “boring” stories with rapt interest. I didn’t know I was an interesting person until I had real friends! Nothing I say is boring to them. And we don’t always agree 100%. That’s ok too. 

If they hurt you, tell them. How do they respond? Do they apologize? Make amends? 

You found a treasure. 

Friendship is a journey and fear keeps you from starting it. Do you need to be deep friends with everyone? No. Just the few that the Spirit brings into your life. Is fear of vulnerability keeping you from receiving one of God’s gifts? It was for me. 

Some practical tips:

• Maybe you start being the one to pick up the phone. Yes, and call. Or maybe you literally text them and say, “I’ve known you forever, but would you like to actually be friends?” (I did this once!) It will sound/feel like kindergarten. That’s ok. But wouldn’t a text like that bring a smile to your face? 
• Or, maybe the kindergarten method is a bit much and you simply decide to befriend them and find reasons to text/call/meet up while you pray for them and the fruit of the friendship.
• Friendship takes time to grow. I find it takes about 1-3 years to really mature a friendship in my experience (maybe you’ll find it shorter or longer). So if the first couple times you hangout or chat it's not magic, don’t be discouraged. 
• Ask the Lord for a friend. I’ve done this several times because I have moved several times. He is so ready to answer this prayer!
• Cultivate local friends AND long distance ones. Your local friends you can do life with, your long distance friends give you perspective without baggage (they may not even know the people in your world.) Someone doesn’t have to live in your neighborhood to be a good friend, nor is it healthy to ONLY have friends that don’t share your every day. 
• You don’t need to make everyone your best friend. Pray over this, and trust Him and the individuals He leads you to. There are women I admire that I would love to be good friends with and it just didn’t work out. That’s ok!
• In the meantime, learn to BE a good friend! 

And what if you try and someone just doesn’t respond? Then that’s their decision. And mama, they missed out. (And there are a HOST of reasons why they wouldn’t and precious few of them have to do with you.) But the right one will respond. 

So go open yourself up to a world of blessing. 

And please join the conversation - tell us in the comments about a friendship that you treasure, that surprised you, or your number one piece of advice for younger women longing to make friends. Let’s learn from each other.